To Thrive

 

The definition of the word thrive is: To make steady progress; prosper. To grow vigorously; flourish. On Friday Jerad and I took Vaughn to see the Pediatrician and we discussed monthly weight checks for him as he is failing to thrive. He is failing to thrive because the throws up a lot. When I say a lot, I mean monthly. We thought this was just Vaughn, maybe due to his acid reflux or a mismanagement of food. And maybe it is one of those reasons; regardless it is time to find out why he is failing to thrive. It is hard to crawl, speak or process new information if your body is working overtime just to survive and that time is now for Vaughn to make steady progress; to prosper and to grow vigorously. We have an appointment next month with the Digestive Institute at Children’s to begin the investigation into what could possibly be  making it difficult for his body to digest his food. Is he beginning to show signs of a dairy allergy? I am keeping a food diary of what he is eating and it seems to be coincidence that it is associated, some of the time with dairy based products. The dietician that we spoke with on Friday advised us to take him off of whole milk and just offer formula until we can see the GI specialist. We are also working on re- scheduling an appointment with the Children’s Feeding Clinic to see if he might have some problems swallowing his food and we just aren’t noticing the signs.

 

Vaughn is one tough kid. After he throws up, he usually is smiling but my concern is he will begin to have an aversion to food and associate eating with throwing up and then we will have an even bigger problem in the future. I am sad that in our last month with bed time wearing only of his helmet he didn’t grow 1 once. We are out of time; there is no more foam in his helmet to shave out. His head looks really great and I am extremely thankful that we decided to put him (them) in the helmets but the roundness isn’t the “5” that I was hoping for. Now that the helmet is off, it is been very challenging keeping the glasses on. We are supposed to be patching his right eye for 2 hours a day and because we have been so focused on his diet, I have only done it one time and it didn’t go well.

 

I spoke recently to our genetics counselor and we have scheduled an MRI for Vaughn in October. We wanted to get this procedure scheduled but didn’t want to rush into putting him back under anesthesia either. We are only waiting on one more genetic test to come back but since everything else has come back negative, we have a feeling this last one will also (the last genetic test associated with the eye).

 

I am sitting here so frustrated. I feel that Jerad and I have walked this journey with grace and honestly I decided from the start not to ask God why as it didn’t matter. We didn’t ask why we had a high risk pregnancy or why the boys were born at 29 weeks. I didn’t ask God why Vaughn was born 1pound 4 ozs or Asher at 2 pounds 5ozs. This was the journey we were walking and by faith, I knew we would make progress. I have to admit though; I am starting to ask God why. WHY after all we have been through, can’t Vaughn at least prosper? He wants to crawl and he wants to talk, he just doesn’t have the energy to grow vigorously. I am mad. I am struggling with the journey of being a parent. Jerad and I choose from the moment we found out that we were pregnant that we would be in partnership with Him in this adventure and that decision remains the same but for this moment, I just have to express my reality.

 

With all that being said, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t end this blog with the truth. The truth is; Vaughn will flourish. We will find the answers we seek with the help of many medical professionals and Jesus. Vaughn will thrive because he was created in God’s image. He is the son of the one and only Heavenly Father and is loved beyond measure. We are taking a more aggressive approach to Vaughn’s health and I know that “failure to thrive” won’t be a diagnosis that labels who he is. This is just one more expression of our faith that gives us the opportunity to hand Vaughn back to Jesus and say “We trust You with his life”. We trust you Lord and Jerad and I will continue to bless him with more of YOU.

 

We thank you in advance for walking along side us, reading the blog and most importantly praying with us as we do our best to keep each of you updated. I wanted to be really honest about where we are at so you know how to best cover us in prayer. My desire for this post is that after reading this, you see that HOPE isn’t lost in our family, that we know that we know that God will be glorified in our story, this just happens to be a time of seeking and learning more about the characteristics of God and how we can continue to love Him in the midst of heart ache. As Jerad and I have been discipled in our faith, we have been taught to be good question asker’s of God and I believe it is time to ask some questions and not be afraid of the answers. Just asking “Why” isn’t enough, so as we search out His response, be encouraged that this chapter in our lives will end with joy and jubilee.

Milestone Memories

We officially have a crawler! Asher has been crawling for a couple of weeks now and I have been trying to get the perfect video and decided that the couple that we have are perfect enough because he is mobile. We are so very proud of him as we had just about given up on practicing crawling and were starting to focus all of our PT time on standing and walking and then one Tuesday evening my Mom sent us a video of Asher crawling. His motivation you ask, the remote control. They love to watch Baby Einstein.  

The boys and I have had a busy couple of weeks as we saw the eye doctor last week and the helmet doctor this past Tuesday. Vaughn’s left eye is about the same but the eye doctor did say that she thought his glasses were helping. We should also begin patching his right eye, slowing working up to 2 hours a day. We haven’t started this as we were waiting to find out the progress with Vaughn’s helmet. The good news is we are a month away from being finished completely with helmets! This 5^th scan showed that we made another millimeter in progress moving us to an 8. It wasn’t what we had hoped for but any progress is better than none. I know that we only have another month in his helmet as we have shaved away all the foam that we can in the area’s we are trying to round out. The advice of the helmet doctor was to only wear the helmet at nap time and bedtime as Vaughn is beginning to grow out of his helmet. We agreed with this recommendation as we have moved into summer and we believe that the torticollis will improve the more he is out of his helmet. This will also give us more opportunity to practice crawling with Vaughn as it was so hard to build upper body strength and lift his head to crawl with the helmet and the disadvantage of the torticollis. We are praying that we will have another crawler in the near future.

In March I wrote about the Tortoise and the Hare and over the weekend, Vaughn decided he didn’t want to take his afternoon nap so while Asher was sleeping; I played dress up with Vaughn. I have come to the conclusion that playing dress up is typical, the norm really. J Here is a picture of my Tortoise and because Vaughn has been in his helmet for so long, he is really good about wearing hats. My sister Jenelle gave me this hat and I just couldn’t resist taking a couple pictures of my Cowboy. Asher‘s first word was “dog” and on Tuesday when we were playing with a ball, Vaughn said “ball”! I actually got it on video because I was trying to capture Asher crawling! Maybe Asher will be a veterinarian and Vaughn will be a soccer player…. Isn’t fun to dream about who God will mold your children into being! The milestones that the boys are making are such sweet memories for us…..

To See

Vaughn and I visited the eye doctor a couple of weeks ago and found out that his left eye, tricked us. Jerad and I knew that there was a very likely chance that his eye wasn’t going to continue to improve on its own but because we finally received some good news following that previous eye appointment back in February that we rejoiced at the positive outcome for Vaughn. It was also one less accessory that we had to dress him in each day. We see the eye doctor every 2 months so this was a routine check up, but the timing happened to be perfect as just as we were approaching this appointment we started to notice that left eye start to track funny. It is very subtle and so I waited to see if Jerad would notice without me saying something and he did, so we had an idea going into this appointment that Vaughn’s glasses would be making a comeback.

At our last helmet appointment I mentioned that I had a feeling we would need to start wearing Vaughn’s glasses and that trying to slide them in between his face and helmet didn’t work because he could pull them off. We were given some velcro to try and we are thankful that it worked! We are able to keep his glasses on and wear his helmet by adhering the glasses to the outside of the helmet (see the picture below because if you thought he was cute, he is even cuter now). Vaughn had his 4th scan and we moved 3mm and that is the progress we were praying for! He went from a 12 to a 9 and our goal is a 5. We go back in a week to get another scan and to find out if we are close enough to be finished. The boys had their first colds at the end of April and were not eating so I don't think he moved another 3mm. Here is the scan:

                

I was discouraged at first…. Thinking really, the one thing that was going well and now I have to ask my son to not only wear a helmet but put his glasses back on. And if we couldn’t keep the glasses on, we were given some patches to try. I feel good about the glasses now though so we will wear them until our next check up to see if they are helping.

It was raining yesterday while I was driving and talking to the Lord and asking for some understanding about Vaughn, his delay, his helmet, his eye and a song by Laura Story came on the radio called “Blessings”. I have heard this song a million times (and will put the lyrics at the end of this blog) but today, as it was raining, it spoke to my heart. Here is the chorus:

“'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise”

What if the trails that we face with having premature babies are really God’s mercies? This song motivated me to get into the word and seek out the verses’ on “to see” and there wasn’t any on to see but there were some on “sight”. 2 Corinthians 5:7 says “We live by faith, not by sight”. That faith word has surfaced again. We walk by faith, we live by faith. And isn’t faith believing what the eyes cannot see.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOOFAaUGfRE

Walk By Faith

Jerad and I had a tough conversation with Ms. Susie on Monday. While they were working with the boys, I made a phone call to our genetics counselor as it has been about 9 weeks since Vaughn’s first blood draw and we were curious if any results had come back as Vaughn just doesn’t like to put his feet on the ground, when you lift him into a standing position, he pulls his knees up and if you can get his feet on the ground, then he stands on his toes. Jerad and I knew that one of the tests that were going to be run was a Creatine kinase test, checking out the structure of his muscles and last week Michelle and I had discussed calling to see if there was a diagnosis yet. Both boys just don’t like and I am tempted to even use the word hate, putting pressure on their arms and shoulders so that makes the desire to crawl non-existent. After speaking with our genetics counselor some of the results of the test had come back.

The first round of blood drawn was dedicated to the genetic testing. They started with 3 tests that are associated with the eyes. The doctors’ assumptions are that Vaughn has a syndrome called Lenz microphthalmia. These tests are looking for any mutations in single genes associated with lenz syndrome and microphthalmia (small or lazy eye). The first test was for “BCOR” and it came back normal. The SOX2 and OTX2 haven’t come back yet and we should know about those in May and June.

The second round of blood drawn was for the Creatine kinase (muscles), Thyroid, amino acids and urine acids. The results also were in regarding these tests and they were all NORMAL! This is great news but means that Jerad and I will now add to our prayer list having Vaughn go back under anesthesia for an MRI this summer. Both boys have developmental delays but Vaughn’s seem to be more significant. Vaughn’s developmental delays could reflect central nervous system maldevelopment including neuronal migration disorders. We had ultra sounds done in the NICU for both boys, on their brains to look for any brain bleeds and at that time there were none but the doctors would like to look again now that he is older and showing developmental delays behind even his corrected age.

My heart is grateful that so far, we don’t have a diagnosis but the fact remains that something is wrong. Vaughn’s torticollis is about the same and we continue to ask God for healing. I titled this blog, Walk by Faith because the hard conversation that took place after my phone call with genetics is that there is a very real possibility that the boys will need walkers. Imagine a walker for an elderly person and turn it around and that is the device the boys will need to walk. Asher really likes to stand at his table and play and so Ms. Susie and Jerad and I feel confident that Asher will graduate out of the walker and only need it for a short time as he is learning to walk. As for my super hero Vaughn, we will wait and see. We discussed the reality that he might need the walker for his first day of kindergarten.

Wait and See. I feel like Jerad and I live in a waiting room, waiting to get off oxygen, waiting for the neck brace, waiting for them to gain weight and catch up. Waiting for the helmets to work, waiting for God to be God and remove the torticollis from the list of syndromes that label Vaughn. To See. Waiting to see if the glasses will help Vaughn’s brain communicate to his left eye that it is able to work and see. I asked God for a word, something to hold on to when I feel frustrated and overwhelmed and I love Him so much for His faithfulness as He didn’t make me WAIT for His response. He said, “Walk by Faith”.

I knew right away what He meant, if I walk in the faith that I know and believe in, He will take care of the physical walk.

I turned to the Bible to see how many scriptures reference the word “walk” was in and there are many! The concordance says that this is the definition of walk “to advance by moving the feet; a person’s usual mode of behavior; see STEP, WAY”. A person’s usual mode of behavior…… my behavior is my communication with Vaughn and Asher. Jerad and I have the choice to choose joy in this trial and see a walker as their independence not a handicap. Our physical therapy goal for the boys was to walk by age 2. I am going to change that goal to crawl by 2 and even if we don’t crawl, walking is the main objective anyway. Our spiritual goal for the boys is to teach and train up, independent God loving and God fearing gentleman and if one of the ways they learn this is by using a walker, then my attitude will be full of faith that the walkers will only be used for a season. We serve a big God and trusting Him every STEP of the WAY is my heart’s desire. Thank you Jesus for reminding me yet again, who is in control of our lives. As we camp out in this waiting room, I am going to decorate it to my liking, teach the boys to share and tell them the stories of Noah and Moses. I am going to label our waiting room, Psalm 37 as the theme of this poem is about trusting in the Lord and waiting patiently for Him to act. I will fill this waiting room with laughter, songs and make it a productive time because really, life is about learning to be patient and we are blessed to be able to use these moments to develop our character and grow as a family. This family will walk by faith, even if it looks a little different for each of us.  

The Tortoise and the Hare

It’s hard to be a parent. It’s challenging to make hard decision when it comes to your children. With that said, Jerad and I decided not to get the Botox shot for Vaughn’s torticollis. After a couple discussions and a little bit more research we felt like we wanted a little more time to try to stretch and strengthen his neck. Vaughn has finally turned the corner and is eating 100% table food and we are just so proud of him and grateful that we just needed some more time before taking the extreme measure. We won’t be going to the swallow study after all and that is a huge blessing! We did take Vaughn to the Botox appointment though so we could talk to the Rehab doctor about our concerns and wanting a little more time and she actually agreed with us. We had taken Vaughn to get another x-ray of his neck and spine and she was pleased to see that his neck wasn’t as severe as she had originally thought. We will go back in 2 months to see if we made any progress with more aggressive stretching and re-evaluate at that time if we should schedule the Botox shot. We did learn that there is the start of some mild scoliosis. There isn’t anything we can do for that right now so we will just continue to pray him out of it.

We also had another helmet scan on Vaughn and he grew another millimeter. We didn’t get a print out this time as the moves continue to be small. At first I was discouraged by such a small move, yet again, but have been reminded that we are still moving and that is progress. Since Vaughn is older and most kids are out of their helmet by this age, we are up against time. Time though isn’t an obstacle for God. As I was praying this morning over the torticollis and the helmet, I was thinking of this new toy that the twins received from some dear friends of ours. Michele, Hannah, and Logan had come over to play on Saturday evening and they brought this animal toy that sings and one of the songs is about the slow turtle… And Vaughn loves this song, he plays it over and over and it is driving us crazy (Thanks Michele!) And from this toy, God literally placed the story of the tortoise and the hare into my head. I of course started to cry as He gently reminded me that thought the tortoise is slow, he finishes the race. His strength and diligence teaches us that the journey is the destination. So I will continue to embrace Vaughn’s helmet, his helmet of salvation and trust God that His timing is perfect.

With all that said about Vaughn, I must tell you that Asher is starting to sign! Sign language is important to us and I can’t begin to say enough wonderful things about our team of therapist who are involved in our family’s life on a weekly basis. Ms. Susie who is our PT has such a gentle heart and I believe truly loves our boys, had her son go to the library for us and rent us “Baby Signing Time” DVD. She dropped the video off on Thursday and on Sunday evening, Asher signed for milk! We were overjoyed and couldn’t wait to tell the team. We have been signing a couple signs with the boys for many months now but Ms. Susie knew their love for Baby Einstein and found a video that worked. Last Thursday as Vaughn was having PT and Asher and I were reading a book (this kid LOVES books), we came to the page with a dog on it and I said “dog” and was about to turn the page when Asher said “dog” and did the sign at the same time. Susie and I looked and each other and started clapping and laughing with joy as dog is one of the signs from the video.

I am so proud of my sons. We are on our own timetable and though it can be hard on us, each milestone is a reminder that a timetable is the average and Vaughn and Asher are anything but ordinary. To the Tortoise and the “Dog”, well done!

One Down and One to Go!

Asher has graduated out of his helmet! His last day wearing it was February 25 and his final scan showed that his head circumference was measuring at a 5 which is the goal when we started this journey 4 months ago. His head isn’t perfect but it is so much better and the Doctor thinks that in time, as he continues to grow it will get even better. We are so blessed that insurance approved a helmet for him and that we went ahead and did it as he shouldn’t have any issues in the future. It was worth the time and energy!

Before helmet                                                                 After helmet

Vaughn’s third scan showed some growth but is still at a slow pace (1 mm of growth). We knew he would wear his helmet longer as we have more shaping to do. I am just praying we are out of helmets by the summer when it gets hot. Vaughn has been eating so much better lately and that is a huge answer to our prayers. He eats about 95% table food and this progress has simplified my life and given me the opportunity to start feeding them at the same time! We just might not have to do the swallow study after all. Asher is using a sippy cup now too and so he has become totally independent and really loves to feed himself. Vaughn is holding his cup and understands the concept but still thinks it is a teething item but we are close! Now that Vaughn is eating better, we are hoping that we will see bigger changes in his helmet scans.

Jerad and I took Vaughn for his final blood draw and he gave a urine sample so they can test every possible outcome to try to determine the reason for the delay in the boys. We won’t know much for at least 6 weeks as this testing is expensive and time consuming. Our appointment with the Rehab Doctor went really well, I think it went so well because Jerad and I really like her. She goes above and beyond to make sure Vaughn and Asher have the best care. She is going to continue to follow Asher’s progress but since the helmet worked so nicely and he is starting to bear weight on his arms and legs there isn’t much more she can recommend. She did order another x-ray for Vaughn as I am still concerned about him having scoliosis and while we were there, we also took an x-ray of his neck to see if the torticollis is getting worse as it sure looks that way to us.

The torticollis…. Probably one of the main reasons why Vaughn has such a hard time eating. After much discussion, talks with our therapists and chiropractor (though he wasn’t as thrilled about this as PT and OT) Jerad and I have decided to take the next step in trying to leave the torticollis diagnosis in our past.

 Botox. Yup, Botox for babies.

 I know what you are thinking, we had those same thoughts but hear me out. Botox has been used in the medical industry for many years before Botox was commonly known for its cosmetic effect. The medicine is used to treat spastic or tight muscles and Vaughn’s neck muscles are really tight. Our rehab Doctor will inject the medicine into the muscle to help relax and stretch the muscle. This procedure is commonly used in children with cerebral palsy also. Once the medicine is injected into the muscle the medicine blocks the signals from the nerves to the muscles and weakens the muscle contraction and this causes the muscle to relax. The Botox isn’t permanent and lasts on average of 3 months and the effects will wear off gradually. The side effects and risks are very low and Vaughn will have a follow up appointment 2 months after the shot to determine if the Botox is working and just so he can be monitored closely. Vaughn is getting the Botox tomorrow, so if you could be praying for us as we begin yet another chapter to our already incredible story, we would be grateful. I am standing firm on the hope that Jesus gives and placing that hope in Him and not a medicine. I am confident in my expectation that He does all things for His glory and healing Vaughn of his torticollis, through Botox would be another miracle that would not go unnoticed or unshared!

Their Heads and My Heart

More updates on the helmets! Asher’s last day in his helmet should be February 25^th! There is one more spot that needs to grow and they have shaved out all they can from his helmet so whatever progress is made by then is it. His head is looking great and I am so thankful we were approved by insurance to get him one. As for our little Vaughn, he had his second scan and there wasn’t any real growth. For the helmets to work he has to grow and we have had some struggles in the eating department with our little man. We are praying for a growth spurt for Vaughn so we can see some more big changes in his head. We are anticipating about 3 maybe 4 more months of wearing his helmet. I am currently working to get a swallow study ordered for Vaughn so we can rule out any medical/mechanical reason for the delay in eating table foods. Jerad and I also took Vaughn to have the first round of blood drawn for his genetic testing. Because he is so small and they needed such a large amount of blood, we have to go back later this month to finish the rest of the tests. We see the Rehab Doctor next week to find out what the next steps are regarding the torticollis in Vaughn’s neck. Unfortunately the torticollis isn’t getting better since he has been wearing the helmet. Some good news for Vaughn is after seeing the Eye Doctor yesterday she said, from what she can see, he is using his left eye and it is the same vision as the right eye! That is a relief as back in August he didn’t appear to be using his left eye as much as the right and the vision wasn’t as good. The Eye Doctor did say though that this most likely will change again and if Vaughn is still in his helmet and not keeping his glasses on, we will have to patch his good eye (the right eye) for a couple of hours a day to get his brain to keep using his left eye. Won’t that be a sight! Vaughn will be our little football pirate dude!

This blog is all about my boys…my heart behind it is so we can not only have something to look back on many years down the road but so our family and friends can know what is going on with Asher and Vaughn. That each of you can pray alongside us in this journey and that maybe someday another Mom or family will be in our shoes and be able to read this blog and know that the helmets aren’t too bad and all the therapies’ do pay off. Speaking of therapy our PT tells the boys “WOW” when they do a good job and Asher started to say WOW and it is just the cutest thing!

My heart though wants to share a little bit about how it feels today! I was driving to Brighton the other morning to pick up the twins from an overnight with my parents and the song “Wanted” came on by Hunter Hayes. I am not sure if you know this song but it is literally the words right out of my mouth to my Husband. I hear this song and it just brings the best memories of Jerad to my mind and it is my heart’s desire to make him feel wanted daily. I am proud to be his wife and humbled at how hard he works for this family. As I was singing my heart out, alone in the car a wave of emotion came over me. I thought…. This is also my love song to Jesus! I want to make Him feel wanted too! When you are in an intimate relationship with your Savior and King, you just want to wrap your arms around Him and tell Him that I would fall apart without Him. In a country where “In God We Trust” doesn’t really mean anything anymore, all I want to do is show how trust worthy He is and tell Him, He is WANTED. I just wanted to share this song today and leave you thinking about the words…..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruyaKdPfTN4

PS. Izzy- if you are reading this, you are missed and wanted.